Rent prices got you down? Descend even lower with this new housing solution!

October has finally arrived at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, plunging the campus into a bustling season of fall fun. While the month of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls promises traditional and festive scares, October is also the time when many UW-Madison students come face-to-face with the scariest monsters of them all. : the owners.

Rental season has officially begun, sinking its greenhouses into the already limited attention span of many students. As the apartments fill up and rents go up, escape from roosts has become inaccessible to an ever-increasing number of badgers. As a result, innovative students seek to stop digging in their pockets and start digging in the dirt.

It’s true: Wisconsin Badgers are tunneling through the heart of Madison’s neighborhoods, making crawl space sleepers the hottest real estate trend of the 2023-24 rental season. This craze is still very new to the market, with names being offered such as “comfortable nooks”, “oasis under the bridge” and “health risks”. However, just like unaffordable rental prices, these excellent dorms are here to stay.

Now, that’s not to say the location is without its drawbacks. Mold, concussions, and ADA accessibility laws are all major limitations as this hot trend gains momentum. And we mean HOT, folks. Many badgers (and occasionally raccoons) have suffered heat stroke after going through an extended tunnel during the summer months. Yet safety trumps savings as students are pushed to their knees and knees for such a deadly deal.

“You wouldn’t believe how many people actually went for this,” said local owner Tom Kastner. “It started with posting an ad on Craigslist to weed out some opossums, but once the job was done, the kids who did it started poking around and asking me about the amenities.”

Student testimonials of the comfortable Catacombs experience are surprisingly positive, with most openly interested in adding roommates

“As with all housing, the more people that fit in, the cheaper the split is,” said sophomore Brennan Davis. “The best way is if you’re all a spoonful. It took some getting used to, but without real walls you’ll end up needing that warmth. My housemates and I like to call each other ‘The Silverware Drawer !”

Some students postulated the move as an act of academic spirit.

“Think about it,” Davis pointed out. “Where do badgers live? Burrows. What do badgers eat? Towards. What do badgers do? To win. Wake up, sheep.

Ultimately, these once wacky solutions are just symptoms of a larger problem. As long as rent prices remain out of reach, desperate students will find themselves finding increasingly uncomfortable and unconventional solutions to an uncontrolled crisis.

“Is it cramped? Yes. Is it dirty? Yes. Is it better than Sellery? Abso-fucking-lutely,” Davis pointed out.

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